school stuff

Well Christmas is over, back the the same ol' same ol' and I couldn't be happier! There is just such a wonderful feel of being at school again. The new books, the pens, the empty computer files... is this geeky enough for you:)

This is my last semester (I know, I can't believe it either but it is) and as I try to keep my excitement high I can't help the feeling of apprehension that is building beneath everything. The last 4 years of my life have revolved around school. Part time jobs and temporary houses filled with unpacked boxes have become what I know.. the comfortable.. the safe. See, with the temporary there cannot be failure. How can you fail something that lacks a concrete conclusion right? It's not possible. Not only that but you have an excuse to be completely focused on the now, solid plans are more of a hinderance. Now with the end growing nearer I am forced to think about the rest of my life - what I want, where I am, and of course to reflect on everything that has gotten me here.

I don't enjoy this.

How can I work on solidifying plans when I am working towards mediocrity at the most? More realistically failure. It's just a fact, this is what happens. Sigh.

The question that I have to answer before moving on now becomes what have I learned? How have I changed?

The answer to that question I fear is not very optimistic.

While it is true that 4 years ago I wasn't even sure if I could get over my social phobia enough to go to school, and in that way I have succeeded far beyond I could have imagined, it has not been easy and seems to get more difficult as I go on...I suppose though, the room always gets messier in the midst of an organizational spree. The truth is, the more social I get, the more I want to retreat into my aloneness. This makes sense to me though... If I am not speaking to people, I have no conversations to replay and beat myself up about but the more I speak to people, the more stupid things I do or say - the more stupid things I do or say, the more I obsess about them. I find myself apologizing to people a lot. It's always about little things that they probably didn't even notice and the forever sorry's must get really annoying, but for me they are things that follow and consume me unless I say something. Why can't I just have to wash my hands 50 times a day like normal crazy people? It's hard....and tiring.... and endless.

I still feel like I did when I was 16, an emotional mess. When exactly is this "Adult" thing supposed to kick in?

As far as learning of an academic nature - that sneaks in I think. I still, as you may have noticed, have horrendous spelling and grammar, but now those mistakes show up in the midst of speaking about things like deconstruction, ideology, and yes even feminism.. all things I didn't know anything about (theoretically speaking) four years ago. I can tell you that Frankenstein was published in 1818 and was born out of a contest between Mary, her husband Percy, and Lord Byron, she was the only one that got anything out of it. I can tell you that Dracula is often thought to be a story based on the fear of foreigner's presence in London... hmm what else? There is a version of Sleeping Beauty where the prince rapes her, there is a version of little Red Riding Hood where she sleeps with the wolf. And a Novel can, or at least could, be admitted into evidence when a man was on trial for gross indecency with other male persons. And, of course, I can tell you that the novels mentioned in that paragraph school be underlined:)

So yes, I suppose I have learned something... now the question is... So what?

Another endless night.
It's 4:30, I'm listening to Ryan Adams' song "stop" on repeat.

Look around there's so many of us..
There's so many of us..
you are not alone..
ever...
ever...
ever...
Stop.


Probably not a smart thing to do.

Tonight started out as a study session but it ended up as another one of those nights.

Why is it you contemplate everything except what you are supposed to when it is time for finals? I have so many questions and there isn't an answer for a single one of them.

Starting with why can't I sleep?!?!?!

ok I have an answer for that one.

I wish I had something to say. The truth is I am just so tired of being alone that I am writing here so I feel some connection to something outside of my own head. It's getting to me - all of it.. the loneliness, the lack of closure, the ex-husband that treats me like dirt every day.

Yes I know that is just how he is but for 10 years I have been raising his child alone and, if I do say so myself, she has turned into a FANTASTIC young lady. Not once has he said anything positive but everything negative is my fault.

I am selfish, my priorities are wrong, I shouldn't be going to school, I'm Satan, I don't care, I'm a fat cow and what was the quote?.. If I would "stop eating everything maybe I wouldn't be so fat and she would have some food in the house."..

The funny thing about that last one is how little I actually eat.

The latest is I took the insurance off my car. I have no money for it and now that Ray takes the school bus to school I don't really have to worry about it. I never go anywhere and If I do I have the bus pass I already pay for. Anyway because of this I don't have my priorities right and I can't be a parent without a car. Has he not noticed how many people parent without a car everyday??

The finally came out that he is just mad that he will have to drive more often.

It's easy for him to talk about priorites, he spent the last 9 years in vancouver shacking up with his girlfriend and running off to mexico or Europe every year. He paid 100 bucks a month. I on the other hand have not been able to do any of that. I have been a parent full time, not just during the summer.

Look, I don't claim to be perfect. In fact, I am realizing just how messed up I am as time goes on, however.. I try my best. Yes sometimes that isn't good enough. It's hard to go to school and raise a daughter with no money and raging bloody depression. It's not my ideal world.. but I do it because I have to, and yes maybe my grades suffer and maybe Ray doesn't get enough time with me but I am making every effort to give my all in both departments. It is so easy for him to sit back and judge me.. and why does he.. this is the question. To him I am Satan but why? I try my hardest to respect him as a parent, even when he doesn't act like one. His relationship with raychael is and always has been extremely important to me. He spends his time bad mouthing me to her. THe latest was him telling her I will die soon because of my weight... I spent an hour with her crying over that promising that I wouldn't leave her.. But I'm the bad parent.. ARe you kidding me!?!?!?!?

I was as good to him as I could be, hell I still want to stop acting like children and be friends but no matter how much I try he treats me like shit.

yet...

I have to spend the holidays in my shit house alone while he takes MY daughter to vancouver to have christmas dinner with his ex girlfriend who treated him, and my daughter btw, like shit.

I realize that life isn't fair, I am not a two year old, but really how much is one person supposed to take???

I am NOT this strong. I cannot handle everything alone and one of these days I will flip. It's not far off.

Honestly, If everything I do is wrong what the hell can I do?

He is the only person I am in constant contact with, he is the only person to walk through my front door. I wish people would take the small things less for granted. A friendly smile, a phone call, a hug, just someone that cares, really cares. You don't realize how important it is until you don't have it.

I am tired and lonely and sick of it all

I miss Derek. fuck.

the sad thing is.. this post is as close to talking to someone as I can get..

and the pity party rages on:)

so I have one of those internet stick things through rogers.. my story starts there.

I am behind on my payments because I got a coupon for 50 dollars off, to cover the payment. but I have, as of yet, not had the time to send it away. Because of this lack of time, ambition or whatever I got a phone call the other day at work... this is roughly how it went.

lady: hello this is rogers blah blah payment blah blah blah

Me: oh, yes I'm at work right now, this is a really a bad time

Lady: something about payment, when are you going to pay blah blah.

Me: I would like to talk to you about that but now is a really bad time, could you call me tomorrow

Lady: blah blah when are you going to pay.

Me: I would really like to talk to you but I am at WORK and will be FIRED if I don't get off the phone, can you please call me tomorrow.

Lady: Blah blah blah payment

Me: look: I am at work, I can not be on the phone. I would really like to talk to you about this but it is a bad time, can you PLEASE call me tomorrow.

Lady: will you make a payment blah blah blah

Me: fine, ok, whatever

Lady: so if you don't make a payment by friday they can cut off your service.

Me: fine




and blah blah blah.

so fast forward to today.

I call rogers to talk to them about my bill payment and I tell the lady that I have sent the thing off and what not. she says something about having to make arrangements because they will cut off the service blah blah, I say, that's what I am doing. she again mentions arrangements I, again, say that's what I am doing right now, making arrangements. after this goes on awhile she says there is already a broken promise to pay on my account. ..... huh?

rewind to stupid woman while I was at work, apparently I made a promise to pay in there.

I say to current woman that I would like to complain about that actually, I was forced into agreeing with whatever she said, she would not let me get off the phone.

Lady: I understand you were at work but you made a promise to pay

me: no I didn't, I was trying to politely get off the phone so I didn't get fired

Lady: but you said yes

Me: No I didn't, I blindly agreed to whatever she said because she would not let me get off the phone after trying numerous times.

Lady: but you said yes

Me: I don't consider it saying yes when I am forced to do it.. she forced me, she would not let me get off the phone. I would like to file a complaint

Lady: you can talk to the accounts receivable to see if you can set up another payment promise but there is already a broken one

Me: I don't want to set up a payment promise I want to complain who do I complain to?

Lady: the woman was doing her job

Me: no, her job is to get someone to agree to a payment not force them into blindly agreeing.. I am a TELEMARKETER.. my job is also to get money from people but if someone asks me to call them back I do I don't force them into anything. Can I file a complaint

Lady: no

Me: No? I would like to speak to your supervisor

Lady: you can talk to accounts receivable..

Me: I don't want to speak to them I would like to speak to your supervisor....


This went on for awhile, it got heated.

my point is this:

Whatever happened to customer service? I was trained at Mcdonalds and we were told that the customer is ALWAYS right. Now, that is not to say that I expect to be able to do whatever I want whenever I want but come on.. don't tell me I can not complain about something. That is horrible. To be forced into saying yes to something, be held to that and not be allowed to complain is just vile. Next time I will just hang up on her, I didn't want to do that because I am a telemarketer and I know what it feels like.. next time though....

anyway, that's all I wanted to say for now.

I just accidently found out I can drag what I type here and save it on my desktop. God Bless Macs!!!!


Trapped in a room with an orange carpet straight from the 70's and a bare brick wall. I love it! The white couch, however, does not agree with my dirty shoes.

I have to read Austen (Emma), can someone please explain to me why everyone likes her so much? Nothing happens, no characters have depth, they are all the same, and the father keeps whining about EVERYTHING!!! This is the woman people compare great literature with??? God, give me Corelli or even a Shelly any day over this crap... Marie Corelli, there was a fantastic author (Wormwood: A Drama of Paris), she got bitched at for writing like a man. What does it even mean to write like a man? Her novel was from a man's point of view-isn't it then a testament of her talent to have written like a man?

anyway nothing much to say, not much of a life really, attempting to read ALL THE TIME!! I blame Radcliffe. 4 english courses may not have been the smartest thing to do:)

However--

Half way through the final first half.. if that makes any sense...... The end is near,

Guess I should go see how Emma responds to Elton coming on to her in the carriage, my knickers are in quite a bunch indeed with anticipation.

back to school

school rundown- nothing exciting, just a rundown.


English 327 -Medieval and tudor Drama
English 409 - The Gothic Subject
English 223 - Post-colonialism
English 349 - 19th century Literature - The novel
Psych 229 - Abnormal psychology

What does this add up to? Hours of reading 600 page novels and analyzing the reasons I was stupid enough to take on four english classes when I only need 3 to graduate. That's right, I need three courses to graduate, lets make this clear, three courses TOTAL. Not three english than a bunch of fillers, three total. How many am I taking? 10.... yes 10. Why? Clearly I am an idiot and I enjoy debt. The actual reason is I am trying to make up for two years of slacking by killing myself for 8 months and how have I spent the first two weeks? Slacking. That's not actually entirely true, I have been working 4 days a week and spending time with ray who just came home last week so really.... sigh. This is actually going to be quite short because I have to read some plays for Medieval drama for tomorrow, (they are in old english) and my prof tends to call on me.

327-First class, first time he calls on someone who do you think he calls on? Of course, me. and it wasn't a question question it was "what do you think?" well what he was talking about I didn't really have an opinion on so I had to make something up, hopefully it sounded ok because the breaker of my heart earlier this year's brother is in my class (i know god hates me) so if I look like an idiot it gets back to him. Needless to say as happy as I was to see him tuesdays and thursdays are going to suck, stupid constant reminders. Oh well, I am surrounded by friends in that class and the prof thinks highly of me so that is good. For the record I really missed Bowers (the prof) over the summer, he is so happy and so excited that it is hard not for that to spread.. I love listening to him talk.

409 - My Gothic class has like 5 people I know, it's a record I'm pretty sure. My prof has an accent, always good. Our first class was spent analyzing a coleridge poem, changes made from a first draft to a final draft. How cool is that? We looked for changes in even a word here and there and why he did it. I was so happy! The prof is definitely not as dynamic as bowers but he is really knowledgeable in his area, I feel like I am going to learn a lot in this class. This class is also closest to what my masters specialization is going to be so I am super pumped for that.

psych 339 - Lots of people, lecture hall, prof that talks fast, abnormal psych. Not a lot to say about this class but I love it! It's nice to be back in a psych course, I feel more at home. Also, no papers!! HURRAH!!!!!!

349 - I have to read Jane Austin for this class:( I had almost made it all the way through without having to read her crap. I enjoy the prof, although the first book we had to read was dreadfully boring but the other ones look ok. I'm excited to read Caleb Williams (written by Mary Shelley's father). He seems cool but I missed today so I don't know how he is going to approach the literature itself.

223 - I'm very blah about this course. I don't like James Joyce and don't have much knowledge about post-colonialism, nor will it help me in my studies but I needed a course in this category. He is a nice enough guy, Irish (always a plus in a Callahan's eyes:)). Wants to work us on our writing so I am really scared he won't fit into my do my essays the day before class way of working, we'll see.



Well I'm sure this has been thrilling. Time to get to the drama.. god, 11 at night, and yet again I sleep not:)

loneliness.

When Superheros die - Roland majeau

A lonely day a troubled night I saw the little children cry
On the street and in the sky I watched the future wave good-bye
The day that super-heroes die

No more feats of strength to rescue us
No more flying through the air
No more lifting of a city bus
No more victories to share

A lonely place in our hearts
Is now the space that we abide
A colder world is torn apart
And all our dreams are laid aside
The day that super-heroes die

No more feats of strength to rescue us
No more flying through the air
No more lifting of a city bus
And no more victories to share

A lonely room in our house
Is any room that I am in
The tears we cried to say good bye
My broken heart was broke again
The day my only true love died
The day my only true love died
The day my only true love died

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0K7F6Dh1SrM

I'm feeling deeply lonely and not sure how to handle it anymore.

The graveyard chronicles part 2.B

Elmer Armstrong. He doesn't have a tombstone yet, just a small plastic black sign. Elmer Armstrong.